a day of wondering... a lifetime of regrets?

Contrary to my strong beliefs that we should always live without regrets, be happy with what we've got and not look back to wonder 'what if', I came to terms today that it is almost impossible to live life without a single regret.

Just recently, a naive ME had told my mom, I have no regrets in my life. Never.
Well, now that I think about it, it's definitely not true... There have been moments when I regretted saying things, made hurtful remarks or did things without realising its implications. Surely, I do regret those.

Anyhows, this blog isn't about these little moments. Rather, what concerned me today was a flashback of my life and how I wish I could turn the clock back or somehow make it go slower.

T and I were talking abt how people who grew up with different upbringing turned out differently. And I made the comment that I hope our children will be like me. To which he said, in what ways?

It was then that a sudden apprehension hit me. "No, actually I do not want my children to be like me," I said. I grew up always feeling like I had to be the sensible and responsible one. It was always about doing what was right... get the best grades, find a good job, settle down with Mr Perfect and start a family... In other words, be Ms Prim and Proper. It resulted in me always being uptight abt everything n giving myself uncalled for pressures.

(Of course I wasn't Little Miss Perfect, I had my rebellious moments. I lived with my ex boyfriend for almost 5 years (to the horror of my very conservative family), I moved to another country to live with this ang moh guy (now husband) I had just met. I'm pretty sure I am the bag egg of the family given my track record of doing things out of the norm.)

While the former are not bad traits, I would change certain things about my life. And so I have decided that I would encourage my kids (when I have my own) to laugh more and to play hard but also study hard ... make mistakes but learn to pick themselves up... take their little adventures, see and learn new things, keep an open mind but always always live with a conscience and be able to answer to themselves and for their actions i.e. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO STEP INTO THE UNKNOWN.

And while I have no regrets marrying T, being the romantic idealistic girl who dreamt of a fairytale wedding and who loves the idea of being married, I sometimes still can't believe I am married! I miss the feeling of being young and single, of not having any responsibilities or having to answer to anyone but yourself (then again, answering to myself is always hard cos I have such strong principles about what is right and wrong).

If I could relive my youth again, I would spend more time being single, I would party harder, dance more, laugh until tears flow, flirt with more boys (kiss 'em and break their hearts).

All said, I do have the perfect life - of what society denotes for a prim and proper lady. I did well at school. I proved myself by working to pay for my own bachelor's degree (which I took night classes for). I'm married to this great guy who loves me. I live comfortably, without having to worry about making ends meet. And I have a small business doing something I enjoy.

But society and cultural standards aside, is this what I really want?

If you could have another life - with no worries, no cares and no responsibilities, how would you like you to be?

PS: I would still tell my mom the same thing... that I have no major regrets in my life, not even the 6 yrs she claims that I wasted on the ex. I am who I am because of my past and my upbringing. And I am happy with how my life is turning out and I do not regret any of the decisions I have made... so far.