The Melt Down

This entry might amuse my brother (not that he reads my blog) since it's nothing glamorous. In fact, I just spent the whole of Saturday night crying.

Maybe it was the hormones, maybe I was just being a baby. It just got too much for me to handle. I guess I was at a breaking point - physical, mental and emotional exhaustion.

The husband was out almost every evening last week - Mon (worked late), Tues (was going to go drinking with frens but stayed in upon my request), Wed (football. came back at 11pm), Thu (networking event. work related), Fri (dinner at Aman's new house), Sat (clubbing). And football game yesterday afternoon.

He's got a busy work schedule (6 full days a week and usually home around 8-9pm) - that I already knew what I was getting into way before we got married. On top of the fact that he enjoys going for his cardio exercise (every Mon if he doesnt have to work late) and football sessions (twice a week).Not to forget, going out drinking with friends.

The ultimatum came on Saturday night when he went out, promised to be home early, only to text me later to say that there was a good band playing and he was having fun and for me to grow up.

Here I am driven to insanity with the baby and there is my husband out HAVING FUN.

It got to a point where I was almost going to pack my bag and take my son back to Singapore. If he thinks that it's a mother's job to take care of the baby and a father's job only to provide... Then I can raise him in Singapore, amongst the support of family and friends (rather than raise him alone here) and he can continue to "PROVIDE".

I could and would never ask him to sacrifice his work and I DO understand that there are times he just needs to get his mind off work stress... BUT like I told him, it seems I am seeing him less now that the baby's arrived than when I was pregnant!

I'm exhaused and I need a break too! I don't get to eat, sleep, shower or even take a shit in peace without stressing every time the baby starts crying. I haven't slept thru a night without waking at least every 2 hrs. I don't have someone I can pass the baby to for a min to rest.

I know that I am the one who doesnt want a nanny to take care of my child. I want to be a full-on mother. So I can't blame anyone that I'm now a prisoner (and slave) of my own choice.

But I guess I was hoping that the husband would be around a bit more to lend some support, even though there's nothing much he can do, and just be more understanding. At least keep Sunday (the only day he is not working) a family day - and let me take a couple of hours off so I can have some time alone to myself to keep some sanity. Is football more important than family???

At the end of the day, he's not completely wrong - he's working hard, he's tired and he needs to "get away". I understand that ... so most of the time, I let him do what he wants without saying a word. The only problem is, he doesn't understand that I need that too!

He said being a mother requires sacrifices but he doesnt realise being a father requires sacrifices too! I mean, I don't think I am asking for too much by asking him give up one session of football (play only once a week instead of two) to spend a little more time with his son and wife?

Anyways, it's probably hormonal issues (and exhausion) that drove me to break down over the weekend. It's not like this is new...In the past 4 years, I've grown used to a life of loneliness and independence. I guess I just need a good night's sleep and snap back to my reality.

PS: the baby drives me crazy most of the time but loving him and knowing he is absolutely dependent on me is what's keeping me sane.