Stuck in Sticky Situation

On this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I find myself sitting at the back of a stationary car, praying that the occasional breeze will keep me from boiling up and hoping that the next 2.5 hours will pass in a blink while I wait for the man to finish his game of football.

Well, indeed I’ve asked for it – could have stayed at home, like I do most of the Sundays when he has football, or I could have at least gone to chill at a nice café. But God forbid, I’ve made a decision that will soon prove to be the longest wait to sunset I’ve ever had (I love sunsets by the way).

I suppose the only reason that I came along is because they are playing at the field of the RMIT school. Here, it’s like being in a totally different world from the usual scene of Vietnam – blue skies, open field, greenery – translating a picture of peace and tranquillity. Although, if the players looked anything close to Beckham, Thierry Henri or Ronaldo, I would be happy to bask in the sun and check out the hunky player situation. Unfortunately, that’s only wishful thinking so instead I’ve chosen to confine myself to the back seat of his car and blog to my heart’s content.

Which brings me to another point – at the age of 27, I’ve made a self discovery – I’m not quite the social butterfly I thought I would be. Maybe it has always been. Maybe it only came about after I’ve been here.

All I know is that:

1. I really do not enjoy small talk

“Hi, how’s your day?” “Great weather, ain’t it?” “So, what do you do?” “How long have you been here?” “How do you do find it?” “Are you married? Kids?” “Oh, that’s nice to hear” – Are we really asking because we are concerned? Or are we asking for the sake of saying something? Because I don’t really need to know and I don’t think you should either.

Honestly, I find a growing inability, not to mention, dislike, for small talk. I clamp up. I’m finding more similar characteristics to my dad as I grow up. Sure, I bet half the people I meet these days think I’m either a snobbish bitch or plain unfriendly but really, do I care?

2. Listening is better than talking

With all the dramas that I’ve been exposed in this lifetime, with a greater concentration during my time in Vietnam, I learnt that you need to watch what you say and avoiding saying anything at all if possible. People will always use your words against you when they need to point their fingers elsewhere and look for someone else to take the blame or whenever it’s to their advantage to get out of a sticky situation.

And of course over the years, you realise that when people tell you their problems, they are usually just asking for a listening ear. Half of the advice you give will either fall on deaf ears or they turn around n say, ‘look I don’t think you should be the person I’m even talking to because you are not in the position to advise me, you don’t understand me, your advise doesn’t help at all’ etc.

Haven’t we learnt by now that as kids, our parent’s advise always fall on deaf ears, no matter how right they can be? All we really need is to be assured by their support, “Sure son, go ahead and make your own path in this world, fall, make mistakes, learn from them and know that we will always be here to support you because we love you.”

If you think about it, when you go to see a counsellor/psychiatrist, like in the movies where you are made to lie on a couch and talk to them, they don’t really give you any advise. Instead, it’s their job to ask you questions that make you look deep within yourself like ‘how do you feel about this?’, ‘why do you think you feel this way?’ etc.

Who are we to advise people on how they should live their lives anyway? If they take the path we think they should have chosen and they spend the rest of their lives hating or regretting it, are we going to take any responsibility for it?

My take on life is that you should follow your own path, - do what you think you should, do what you need. And if you fall, stand up again and learn from your mistake. Do not look back with regrets and most important of all, be always ready to answer to your conscious and to your God.


3. I’m a loner, not a conversationalist

This is quite hard to swallow. I AM (or used to be) the clown, the entertainer, the joker of the family and amongst friends. I will make people laugh, I will lighten any situation and I can get away with murder. But having spent most part of the last 2 years with 4 walls and 2 dogs, I have lost my ability to converse, to strike up a conversation and to chat nonchalantly with anyone.

There are still the close family n friends that I will be my old self with and if I’m one on one with a person, you might still catch a glimpse of what I was like, but if you put me in a crowd, I now have a tendency to try to blend in with the walls and become invisible.

Lost in a book or engrossed on the computer are where I am most at ease these days.

So you see, I’ve somewhat transformed in the last few years that I’ve been here. Maybe I’ve been exposed to a lot more, maybe I’ve had to grow up overnight and see the real world for what is. But you definitely find me less chatty, barely jumping with joy about meeting people these days.

Don’t get me wrong – I love being with family n friends, I always want to spend time with the family or have some friends over. But I prefer to enjoy their company in a quiet corner. I’ll busy with my own things like when I have guests over, I’m always busy mopping, cleaning up, refilling drinks – anything to avoid sitting down and going into deep conversations. But I love their company. I just don’t know how to be involved.

You won’t find me calling friends as often, if not at all, anymore. Some of my friends here have asked me if I am angry or if they did something wrong because I stopped calling, I stopped going over to meet them for lunches. I just hide at home, sheltered by the familiarity of my 4 walls and 2 dogs.

Although… I prefer to call myself a recluse – not a hermit. I still go out and where friends are busy bitching about everything and everyone else (Sometimes loud enough for the person to hear), I will sit there and keep quiet (who are we to judge? God made all of us equal). As a friend said to me, ‘you don’t say anything but your eyes speak volumes.’

And now, I’ve come to a point where I am killing myself for wearing a rugby top and jeans. I wish I was in something much cooler, lighter. I’m suffocating in the car and the heat is making me drowsy with sleep. It’s another 45 mins before I can get out of this stuck situation.